The Truth About Anxiety

I’m trying to help the kids understand my anxiety, especially during the pandemic.

They ask me how I can watch movies over and over again, or why I often read the last chapter of a book after I read the first, or why I read spoilers for shows or movies. Anxiety is the reason.

Honestly, it can be really hard for me to watch a new movie (ask J about the time I was home alone and watched a zombie movie on accident) when I don’t know what happens because the anxiety I already have on a daily basis gets amplified when I get anxious watching something! It’s seriously debilitating sometimes. On a daily basis, I'm already anxious about a million different things, so then to have this "OH MY GOSH WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT" feeling isn't a fun adrenaline rush for me like it is for others - it's just like upping the wattage on an already overloaded circuit.

If I know the plot twists and ending, it doesn’t ruin it for me (although I understand how it would ruin it for others) - it allows me to relax and enjoy the show. It’s also why I can watch movies I love (that have endings I love on repeat, like Captain America or Marvel or Olympus Has Fallen or National Treasure. I can sit and relax for two hours because I know the twists and turns and how it ends. My mind focuses on remembering the words or searching for something new I didn’t notice before - and not the grocery list or the ever-growing to do list in life. I can just enjoy being in that particular moment. The movie or show is familiar so it’s relaxing.

This is also the reason I find it really hard now to watch week to week shows; I'm more of a "I'll binge watch 7 seasons of that in two weeks" type of person. After I've already googled the synopsis of the entire series. It drives J nuts because he knows in any given movie I already likely know the spoilers or have googled the entire movie - especially if I'm not on the edge of my seat, lol.

When I know how a book ends, it’s not ruined for me - my mind enjoys putting the puzzle pieces together because I am not stressing about how it ends. It seems so weird, doesn’t it? Especially since I’m a writer!

Think about it though - if you are scared of snakes, and you see one out of the blue in front of you, you’d run, right? But if you knew the snake was going to be there, you’d be better able to handle that interaction. My joy doesn’t come from the surprises - it comes from the creative work within the piece.