The Difference Between Attention and Love...
But as I reflect on those early relationships now, I realize I wasn’t searching for love in the way I thought I was. I was searching for attention.
I wanted to be wanted so badly that I often missed the love that was already in front of me.
It’s something I try to explain to the people I love now - my kids, my friends, the people closest to me. Love isn’t gifts and grand gestures. That’s attention. Love is showing up. It’s consistency. It’s the quiet, gentle reminders every day that you matter.
Because I had the gifts.
I had flowers every month. Beautiful Christmas presents. Fancy dinners. Affection that, looking back now, was obvious and sincere. But somehow, it never felt like enough.
In a way, I taught the people who loved me to focus on attention instead of love, because I was teaching them the wrong way to love me. I made it seem like their value wasn’t in how deeply they cared, but in how loudly they could prove it. Perhaps that's why this quote hit me in the feels...because those poor guys were trying to build a relationship while I was busy keeping a score card. That's not healthy for anyone, and certainly undeserved for them.
And honestly, that realization is uncomfortable.
It’s strange to look back and recognize how much love was directed toward me that I either ignored, minimized, or simply took for granted because I was always looking for something bigger. More dramatic. More impressive.
But the truth is, when attention is what you’re chasing, there is no ceiling. There will always be a bigger gesture, a more exciting high, a louder declaration. You can spend your entire life searching for “more” and still never feel chosen.
Sometimes, when I write my novels, I give characters pieces of myself - including my flaws. And every once in a while, I’ll write something that makes me cringe because the character feels selfish or emotionally immature or desperate for validation.
And then I realize: that “icky” part was me once, too.
Now, as the parent of a teenager who loves romance novels, I think about this even more. I wonder how often we accidentally teach people - especially young women - to confuse attention with love.
Because even in my own books, there are characters chasing the feeling of being swept off their feet instead of building something real.
And honestly? Most of the romance novel version of love isn’t real life. Most relationships don’t begin with fireworks or instant soulmates or dramatic declarations. Real love is usually much quieter than that.
So how many people have we overlooked because they didn’t arrive loudly enough?
How many times have we pushed aside genuine love because we were too busy chasing the feeling of being desired?
And how many of us were never actually taught the difference?
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