So Completely Frustrated...

I am having a day.

A day where frustration has completely taken over.

I've been sitting here, crying at my little desk at home, wondering how I busted my ass in college and my MBA, graduated with a 4.0, and then somehow never pushed myself outside my comfort zone to make a better living for my family.

Don't get me wrong - we've had a good life. We've never been extravagant, but we've made memories. The kids played the sports they loved. They went to schools they loved. We took trips together. We did things that, at the time, felt important because I always believed experiences mattered more than stuff.

But now we're standing at the edge of college for kid number two.

Her dream is FIT.

And today I sit at my desk in tears looking at the numbers.

People hear "state school" and assume it's affordable. In reality, once you add room and board, New York City living expenses, supplies, transportation, and everything else, the total is staggering. One year's tuition and living expenses cost more than I can earn doing extra photo shoots.

I saved what I could over the years. Every little bit. I truly thought I was doing the right thing.

Now it doesn't feel like enough.

She's working harder than I ever imagined she would. Three jobs since last year. Saving every dollar she can.

I'm working hard too.

But it feels like every time we make progress, life has other plans. A car breaks down. The roof needs replacing. Something else comes up that drains the savings before we can ever get ahead.

For years, I've believed you have to live now because tomorrow isn't guaranteed. That belief came from watching my mom save faithfully for retirement, only to pass away before she ever got to enjoy it. I promised myself I wouldn't wait to make memories.

So we took the trips.

We celebrated birthdays.

We went out to dinner.

We chose experiences.

Today, though?

Today I'm questioning every one of those decisions.

I'm wondering if every extra trip, every dinner out, every memory we made became another obstacle between my daughter and the education she dreams about.

I know that's probably not entirely fair to myself. Hindsight has a way of making every decision look obvious. But today, it's hard not to wonder.

Because I can't, in good conscience, tell my daughter to take on mountains of debt she'll spend decades trying to repay. And community college, while it's a fantastic path for so many students, simply doesn't offer the same opportunities in fashion - the internships, the connections, the study abroad experiences in Paris, or the chance to learn from industry professionals in New York from day one.

So today I'm just sad.

Not because I think we made bad memories.

But because I wish we could have had both.

The memories... and the money.

I'll probably look back at this post tomorrow and delete it because I'm not looking for a pity party. I just needed to vent because today I'm just a mama feeling like she's let down her kids.