Behind Closed Doors…

Checking back in with another song - this one has been sitting with me for a while (and yes, I just added it to my Suno). Here’s the back story behind it.

My best friend asked me the other day what I would do if I didn’t like the person my kiddo was dating. And honestly… I don’t know. (Thankfully, I do like her.)

But it got me thinking.

When you’re in a relationship that isn’t good for you, your parents don’t always know, right? You hide it. You protect it. Or maybe you protect them from worrying. I know I did.

And then there’s the other side of that coin - we hope our kids choose good people. But even more than that, we hope our kids are the kind of people others feel safe loving.

That thought sent me back to my college years. Back to choices I wish I’d made differently. Back to moments I didn’t fully understand at the time.

And took me back to the story behind this song.

I had just started dating someone. Everyone loved him. He was cute, popular, an athlete - effortlessly charming. Dark hair, dark eyes, and always a smile. I remember feeling so lucky that he picked me.

A few weeks in, we were at a party. I didn’t know many people, and I was tired. I asked if we could leave.

We were standing near a wall when he turned toward me and slammed his hand against it right next to my head, leaning in close enough that I could feel his breath. Quiet, controlled, angry, he said, “We leave when I say we can leave.”

And then just like that, he turned, smiled, greeted people walking up, laughing and doing the whole friendly bro-hug routine.

And I just stood there. Back against the wall. Frozen.

Who was this person? The mirage was shattered. He didn’t hit me that night. But it was the first time I remember feeling truly afraid. It was the first time his charm had disappeared - like he knew I was invested and he was free to change the cards. It was the first time someone I cared for had ever made me feel like I was in danger - and that running in the opposite direction would be worse. I had no idea how to react to that.

No one noticed. Or maybe they did. Maybe they didn’t think it mattered. Or worse - maybe they just didn’t think I mattered.

And still… I stayed. That night. And then months until he got tired of me.

Years later, his Facebook profile popped up as someone I might know. Smiling. Wife. Kids. A whole life.

And I wondered - did he change? Did he become better? Or is someone else standing where I once stood, learning to make themselves smaller?

I see mutual friends sometimes and wonder if they knew who he really was, or if they only ever saw the version he wanted them to see. To be fair, that’s all I’d ever known before we dated.

He was very good at hiding his temper from others.

I wonder if his parents knew what he was really like.

What’s hardest to admit is that before all of that, I used to believe that if someone ever treated me badly, I’d leave immediately. I thought I was stronger than that.

But I wasn’t.

I folded. I convinced myself he cared about me deep down. I told myself I was lucky he chose me. I believed I wasn’t worth anything better.

I even told myself I deserved it - for mistakes I’d made in past relationships.

That’s the part that stays with me the most.

So when I wrote this song, I wasn’t just thinking about that moment. I was thinking about the women we eventually become - the ones with hindsight, with clarity, with strength that only comes from living through things we once thought we couldn’t survive. I was thinking about all the women who forgot that they deserve to live and love without being scared of the person on the other end of that.

The ones who wish they could go back and protect their younger selves.

The song is upbeat on purpose. Because when you’re in those situations, there’s often this unspoken expectation to keep everything looking okay. To smile. To play along. To not make it “a big deal.”

But it’s also upbeat because of what comes after.

Because eventually, when you do get out - when you start to find your way back to yourself - there’s a kind of aliveness that returns. Slowly at first. And then all at once.

It took me a long time to let people back in. I didn’t like being touched. I didn’t talk about dating him. For years, I just pretended that period of time never happened.

But it did happen. And it broke me.

And pretending didn’t make me stronger - facing it did.

I think that’s the point of all of this.

Not just that we hope our kids choose good people. And not just that we hope they are good people.

But that we teach them - by what we say, by what we model, by what we’re brave enough to admit - that they should never feel like they have to earn love by shrinking themselves.

That feeling scared is enough reason to leave.

That being chosen is not the same as being valued.

And that their worth is never something someone else gets to decide.

If I could go back, I wouldn’t just tell my younger self to leave.

I’d tell her she was never lucky to be chosen.

I’d tell her she deserved to feel safe.

And maybe that’s why I write songs like this now.

Not because I can change the past - but because maybe someone else will hear it and realize they still can.

Behind Closed Doors 

You can listen here: https://suno.com/s/HKaYyslg6uKdsi04

Hidden away from all of the flowers

Behind every closed door

Among the words no one else can hear

And where I land on the floor

Is a man that no one really knows

And I don’t know anymore

So different from the boy I fell in love with

From beyond a classroom door

The sleeves, they hide the bruises

And my smile hides the scars

So no one else can see the pain I feel

And no one knows our wars

And if anyone starts asking questions

He just charms them all away

But he’ll remind me of them later

When things don’t go his way

Go back, tell her: be brave

Worth so much more

She can walk away

Wrap my arms around her

Help her pack up everything

None of this is worth the price

Of hoping for a golden ring

Love shouldn’t feel like this

Everybody notices that she

Jumps at any touch

And a girl who used to hug her friends

Doesn’t hug them very much

Her eyes are always searching

But it isn’t for his love

She’s constantly deciding if

This time she’s had enough

Go back, tell her: be brave

Worth so much more

She can walk away

Wrap my arms around her

Help her pack up everything

None of this is worth the price

Of hoping for a golden ring

Love shouldn’t feel like this

Maybe it wasn’t love

Just something dressed like it

Every “I’m sorry” sounding sweet

Then turning into this

And maybe all the dreams she had

Were never his to keep

’Cause love is more than promises

That only make her bleed

Go back, tell her: be brave

Worth so much more

She can walk away

Wrap my arms around her

And say, “You’ll be okay”

None of this is worth the price

Of begging love to stay

Love shouldn’t feel like this

When she finally breaks free and runs

She leaves it all behind

She knows exactly what she’s leaving

But not what she will find

But for the first time in a while

She’s choosing her own life