She Is Strong, She Is Feisty...

The teen years are hard, and there are always new struggles and new learning curves that arise. There’s a beauty though in watching your child grow and learn and find their way. We offer advice when we can, but often, I find that they teach us just as much as we teach them.

When I grow up, I want to be like my daughter. She is strong, she is feisty. She is kind (well, mostly, lol). She is independent. She isn’t afraid to choose a path that is her own (hence choosing baking classes over basketball). She makes mistakes because she’s willing to take risks, and those are the best life lessons. She has a big heart. She knows how to set boundaries with people, and does it in a way that is both firm and honest.

She’s got a group that she is so close with, they could be her siblings. They talk nightly, even after a full day at school. They have jokes, they have stories. They have memes galore. They can talk for hours as a crew on Friday and Saturday nights about everything from some horror film they watched to what their dreams in life are. They call them “deep convos” and those never cease to amaze me - the sheer thought and trust they have with each other is incredible. And I pray that she will hold onto them even as they move on to different paths in life.

I asked her what she likes best about them. “They make me laugh, they are nice, they always have my back, they make me happy to be around.”

She is kind to everyone. She includes everyone. But she also knows the one thing I think we as adults struggle with sometimes: there is only so much time in your day, and you fill those hours with the people who bring you the most joy as often as you can.

Friendship is like Thanksgiving dinner, right? You aren’t going to fill that precious plate space with things that will make your taste buds cry; you won’t fill it with things that will upset your stomach or give you indigestion. You’re not going to eat something you’re allergic to just to keep the peace. So why do we do that with friendships sometimes?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: a friendship that doesn’t work doesn’t mean the people aren’t good; it just means they aren’t your people.

Why do we try and force what isn’t there? We don’t have to pick up that plate of yams we don’t like and throw it away screaming how awful it is; we can just say “That’s perfect for someone else” and move on. Just because it’s not our thing doesn’t mean it’s bad - it’s just not for us. We should fill our plates with the things that make us smile or bring us beautiful memories. We should load up on the things that make the day better in some way.

And when you take your plate back for seconds, what do you fill it with? The things you loved the best; the things that made you happy.

Doesn’t the same ring true for people in our lives? Not everyone is going to be that delicious pumpkin pie for us - some are going to be the yams. Good, a great fit for someone else, but something that just doesn’t mesh with us ourselves. And that’s ok! That’s what makes life so great - you find the people that are your people and you fill your life with them. And if they aren’t your people, well, you respectfully tip your hat and say thank you and appreciate them for who they are. But just like Thanksgiving, not everyone is invited to your table; you fill your table with the people who are joy in your life.

And that is a lesson that isn’t always easy to model. We don’t want hurt feelings or angry people, but it comes at a cost - all the time and energy spent filling our precious hours with relationships that don’t fulfill us or bring us joy.

So stop forcing what isn’t there. Teach kids empathy and love and then allow them to grow with the people they want to grow with. Give them the opportunity to fill their plates with the beautiful people that make their hearts happy.

And then watch how much more amazing they become because of it.