I Was Looking For The Answers...

I was having a serious conversation with a friend this weekend. She’s going through a lot right now, and at one point she said softly, “I was looking for the answers in somebody else.”

It was such a quiet admission. The kind that almost slips by if you’re not paying attention. She said it like it was a flaw - something she should’ve known better than to do.

But the truth is… it’s something we all do from time to time.

I’m 46, and I still catch myself doing it. Not as often as I used to, not as intensely - but it still shows up.

When I was younger, I did it constantly.

With my parents.
With partners.
With friends.

I was always searching for someone outside of me to tell me who I was, or if I mattered. Because somewhere along the way, I learned to question whether I was enough - smart enough, wanted enough… just enough.

And when you carry that feeling, it doesn’t stay quiet. It leaks into everything.

I think that’s part of why I was such a handful in my younger dating years. And even in friendships. No matter how much someone showed they cared, I kept pushing. I told myself I wanted some kind of fairytale romance - but looking back, that wasn’t really it.

What I wanted was reassurance. Constant, undeniable reassurance.

Because words can be easy. People say things they don’t mean all the time.

But actions… actions feel like proof.

So I looked for proof. Because back then, I never really felt like I was enough - and that made the people I dated feel out of my league. Like I had something to prove just to stand beside them. I needed reassurance that I wasn’t just someone to pass the time, but someone they truly wanted.

If they came after me, if they fought for me, if they chose me - loudly and consistently - then I could believe, if only for a moment, that I was enough.

And if they didn’t?

I didn’t question the situation. I questioned myself.

I made it mean something about my worth.

And the truth is… I was a lot for them to handle. Not because I was too much as a person, but because I was asking them to carry something that wasn’t theirs to hold. The constant need for reassurance, the quiet tests, the pressure to prove how they felt - it eventually wore things down.

So they stopped chasing.

And in my mind, that confirmed everything I already believed: that I was too much… and somehow still not enough. That maybe we were never meant to be together in the first place.

I kept searching for reassurance in the same people who used everything against me. Their attention - even when it hurt - felt like something I needed, so I took it. Until I didn’t anymore. That's a story for another day.

But here’s the part I didn’t understand back then:

No one else can answer a question you haven’t answered for yourself.

Because even when someone shows up fully, loves you deeply, chooses you clearly - if you don’t believe you’re enough, it won’t land. You’ll keep searching. Keep testing. Keep needing more proof.

Not because you’re broken… but because you’re trying to fill an internal gap with external validation.

And that gap doesn’t work that way.

What I’m learning now - still learning - is that being “enough” isn’t something someone else confirms. It’s something you decide.

It’s quieter than I expected. Less dramatic. No grand gesture.

Just a steady shift.

A moment where you stop asking, “Do they want me?” and start asking, “Do I want this?”

A moment where you stop chasing proof, and start trusting what’s already in front of you… and what’s already within you.

And maybe that’s what my friend was really saying.

Not that she was wrong for looking for answers in someone else…

…but that she’s finally ready to start finding them in herself.

Her comment led me to a lot of reflection. I did some more writing this weekend, everything from my novel to poetry to song lyrics. The weather is changing and I love sitting on my porch with the sunshine and a notebook as I jot down my thoughts. I'd love if you take a listen!

I Wasn't Ready Yet: https://suno.com/s/VXcvfg4dY0qhJuaP

All my lyrics: https://suno.com/playlist/fc376216-06b0-458d-ba93-28a6f6590552