Not Looking Away...

Thank you for the prayers. We are in a much better place today! Now onto the blog…

Even as a photographer, I don’t really like taking selfies or photos of myself.

I take them - but they rarely end up anywhere. They sit in my camera roll, quietly existing. Sometimes it feels self-serving. And if I’m being honest, I don’t always love how I look in them.

Growing older is a gift. I truly believe that. So many people - like my mom - weren’t given the luxury of it. And I hold that truth close.

But if we’re being honest? It’s still hard.

It’s hard to remember the fresh face of your twenties and instead see the wrinkles, the crooked teeth, and the ever-growing gray hair.

So. Much. Gray. Hair.

I’ve been lucky in that department. My mom was fully gray by forty, and I’ve had a pretty good run up until this year’s big forty-six. For a long time, my gray hair stayed politely in the sideburn area, with just a light sprinkle around my face.

And then the other day, I caught my reflection - and there they were.

So many more strands, woven throughout my hair, impossible to ignore.

It caught me off guard.

Growing older is a luxury… so why was I suddenly stressing about gray hair?

Is it because we’re taught that it makes us less attractive?

I’m not exactly jumping into the dating pool anytime soon, so why should that matter?

Or is it because it reminds us how fast time is moving?

For me, I think it’s probably that second one.

Gray hair is a reminder of how quickly the years pass - and how grateful we should be for every single day we’re given.

I did still color my hair. Because honestly? It makes me feel better. And feeling better about ourselves is something we could all use a little more of. (I also let my intrusive thoughts win and cut bangs on a random Saturday morning with the help of my teenager - 4th photo - a couple weeks ago, but that's a story for another day.)

Over the past couple of months, I’ve made a quiet promise to myself: to take a few selfies when I’m feeling happy. Not when everything looks perfect - just when I feel good. These are a few of those moments.

For me, it’s not about vanity.
It’s about seeing myself through kinder eyes - the same way I see other people.

It’s about finding things to like about myself instead of things to criticize.
It’s about self-acceptance… and maybe a little rebellion against the idea that being comfortable with how we look is somehow a bad thing.

Maybe taking a selfie isn’t about showing off.
Maybe it’s just about not looking away.